Deepest Fear

Even though I have not updated this blog in a while, I am still writing. I sent two poems out to a literary magazine yesterday. In three to six months I will get a response. I want them to say yes. If they do, I will scream. I will be so happy. I have been trying to publish my poetry for three years.

Now, onto a more serious matter. Sometimes I have this recurring dream where I have a story to tell, but I can't. I literally can't pick up a pen and write down whatever it is that is on my mind. Sometimes, my hands are paralyzed or I have no hands. I worry when I have these dreams. If I cannot write, what will become of me? Writing is one of the only things I know how to do so well. Everything else is mediocre. Without writing, I am mediocre. Sure, I am getting better at acting. I am sure that I would find a way to write without hands, I would get a voice activated thing for Microsoft word. I saw that in a movie once. But what do I know about how I would handle a hypothetical situation? I won't know anything until I find myself in that situation. And I hope I never have to experience that.

That dream is my darkest, deepest fear. I fear who I will be without writing. Writing is how I express myself. If I cannot do that, will I explode? Will emotions build up inside of me until they just can't take it anymore?

I fear who I will be if I cannot write.